RunningAna

Where is my happy?

Nov. 26th, 2009 at 7:58 PM

I made it to 110lbs...I have everything I ever wanted right? Then why do I still feel hollow and alone?

Mood: listless

I haven't had access to a scale (and to be honest, don't want to weigh), but in my mind I am close to meeting my 110lbs goal this week. I hardly put anything in my mouth. I'm in such a depressed slump...which is great for my weight loss plans. Just wish I could be happy and losing mutually.

Mood: blah

Today...

Oct. 22nd, 2009 at 10:34 AM

I really hate myself today. 113lbs. I feel bloated, fat, and ugly! I can't concentrate on the homework that is due at 2pm, and hate myself more for not getting it done. I was up all night fighting a horrible stomach ache, and I honestly think it is from all the stress.
I feel like for the past week I have been completely out of control. I am struggling to keep up with course work so I can graduate, stuggling to accept my new job (that I should be thrilled to have gotten so quickly in the bad economy), struggling to stay optomistic about my relationship, and just in general...struggling to be happy! UGH!
110lbs by Monday (even though I will not have access to a scale until next weekend).

Mood: frustrated

I'm back and trying to be consistent!

Jul. 25th, 2009 at 9:16 AM

It has been almost a year, maybe plus some, since I have posted and I really just want to be consistent on here again and be involved in this community once more. I miss you ladies! Plus I could use the support because I feel the real world just never understands me. Since it's been so long, here are my stats:
H: 5'7"
CW: 115lbs
HW: 138lbs (ugh)
LW: 111lbs
Short term GW: 112lbs by Aug. 01, 2009
LTGW: 110lbs
I have really been debating my LTGW, I think it sounds great now, but I just am afraid once I get there it will not be good enough and I'll want to be even lighter! Guess I won't know until I'm there.

Mood: relaxed

122lbs

Mar. 18th, 2009 at 5:57 PM

I'm down another pound today. I know that isn't much of a leap in progress given the time. I have been into olympic weight lifting though and it's keeping me at the same weight instead of the dropping affects of cardio. I'm going to refocus on cardio, getting a membership to the local pool to start adding swimming into my routine. Somedays I'm just too weak for running. Wish me luck, I have twelve more pounds to go to reach my goal. Under 122lbs by the end of the week is my short term.

Mood: chipper

123lbs

Feb. 6th, 2009 at 10:20 PM

Another pound gone today! I wasn't going to allow myself on the scale for a week but I just couldn't help it. I'm finally un-sick enough where I think I will take a bike ride tomorrow. See how the lungs feel about that seeing as how it's this horrid cough that is holding on. I cannot wait to break under 120!!! Luck!

Mood: high

Keep coming back for more.

Feb. 6th, 2009 at 12:46 AM

I didn't even mean to. I thought this life was behind me...
I went to a doctor's appointment on the 23rd and weighed 138lbs...fattest yet!
Jumped on the scale on the 31st for kicks and giggles, I'm at 126lbs, holy crap, how'd that happen?!
Get sick over the weekend, am currently at 124lbs!
12lbs in 2 weeks, that is awesome! Now I feel the power surging through my veins. I want more! MORE! I'm not even hungry because I am so excited to be back to dropping without even trying, imagine what I can do with an ounce of effort? Bring it! 118lbs is my goal for next week. Luck!

Mood: crazy

Loss is winning!

May. 24th, 2008 at 2:15 AM

I have lost 3lbs this week! I'm so excited! I'm going celery and water for the next two days (minus dinner tonight because I HAVE to eat as I will be around all my friends). Moderation will be my friend. But Sunday and Monday will be celery baby. I've been hitting the gym two hours a day, I wish I had time to do more. I am sore everyday though, so I know my workouts are pushing my body. Monday I have my big race of the year too, second favorite day of the year 10k. I am super excited! Hopefully I will be under 130 after the weekend. Hope the rest of you are feeling as good!

Mood: lonely

A mile a day

May. 1st, 2008 at 7:58 PM

So I've started "Run For The Fallen." It's a non-profit running program in the memory of all those who have lost their lives in the War on Terror. It's non-political...just a simple concept of running a mile a day until you've run mile for every life lost. It's a beautiful and inspiring goal for me. I've been on it just three days now, and will continue it until I drop...a mile a day is not much to ask at all...doesn't even wind me at this point. I thought I'd share though, I'm loosing pounds (not from a mile a day obviously), but from cutting more cals and upping the work outs. We are having a workout competition at work too which helps cuz I always have to win everything!!! Hope you gals are doing great with personal goals!!!

Mood: energetic

Anxiety

Apr. 11th, 2008 at 10:43 PM

I have been having the worst anxiety lately! I keep getting flushed like my skin is on fire, my stomach wrenches up in knots and the room starts going about 100mph! I can't control it and it is making me sick to my stomach, on no food all you throw up is liquid and I just don't know what to do to make it go away. I'm in group therapy right now and I think it almost makes it worse to have to talk about things and listen to other people talk about similar experiences...it's not an ana group, it's called like Interpersonal Process or something lame! What am I doing? At least I'm shrinking, the one right thing in my life. I'm such a spoiled brat!

Mood: anxious

Losing it

Apr. 6th, 2008 at 1:14 AM

My pounds are dropping, but so is my sanity. I'm sinking into a funk of depression that I just can't shake. What is it?! What's wrong with me? I should be delighted to be getting my body back, but all I want to do it tear it up with the sharp point of a knife. I haven't cut since Sept and I don't want to go back to that side of me. I can't go back...

P.S. Please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not suicidal by any means.

Mood: numb

Sickness always helps...

Mar. 23rd, 2008 at 2:27 PM

I don't know how many of your remember, but when I used to post regularly, I was going through testing for Crohns Disease. Anyway, I have flare ups now and again. I was doing really really good with it until a few days ago and now I am so afraid to eat anything and irritate my bowels more. I know it's sick, but it's life. I am starving though and can already feel my pants loosening after 3days...I guess I am partly lucky to have this because it forces me to stop eating every now and again! Like mother nature checking me into place LOL!

Mood: curious

Back on Track

Mar. 7th, 2008 at 10:00 AM

Ya'll would be so proud of me! I'm finally back on track en route to my weight goals. I'm eating six small meals a day (when I say meals I'm talking a cracker with cheese, small cup of apple sauce, a half piece of fruit, cup of bland soup broth, few slices of deli meat, etc) I get to pick one of these small under 100cal foods six times a day and keep my metabolism kickin. I am working out before I start each day and once again in the afternoon. I have started standing at work instead of sitting...little changes that are just so empowering!!! I'm so much happier now just knowing I'm doing ONE thing right in my life!!! I hope you girls are achieving your small victories as well! MUAH!

Mood: awake
Music:Casey Donahew Band

Naked Truth

Feb. 24th, 2008 at 12:44 PM

I sat in the shower last night and held a mirror to every inch of my body poking at pinching all the fat pads that I have developed. How did I allow myself to get this way? It is so horrible to even look at. I can feel the tightness in my clothes, even my face is rounder. Nothing about me is attractive anymore.
I sat down this morning and looked at my budget. Going back to my old ana ways will save me $300-500/month in food and liquor expenses. No wonder I'm so broke these days, I'm stuffing every extra dollar down my fat throat!!! Sick sick sick. I've started an exercise journal though and am making food list each day (just have to be careful to put them away when company comes because they hang on my fridge. Only coffee so far today! MUAH I love you girls!

Mood: irritated

Can't fight it

Feb. 10th, 2008 at 9:01 AM

How do people live like this? How can you be a "healthy weight" and look at your fat ass in the mirror everyday. I tried so hard to get better...to be normal - IT SUCKS! (Obviously I haven't posted in forever, well, I paid the price - fat). I went to the doctor and got weighed yesterday...I'm 5'7'' and an official fatty! My doctor says I'm finally out of the "underweight" category...all I want to do is cry and get back to where I was. I can't be normal, I'm not meant to be "healthy." It is so repulsive I cannot believe I let them fill my mind with thoughts of this being ok, how am I supposed to ever be happy in this body?! I'm starting tomorrow, I'm going back to who I was. I was starving, but God, at least I was happy, at least I was accomplished and had something that was MINE! No one to blame but myself. I want to loose 10lbs in 3 weeks, that is MORE than reasonable. PUT DOWN THE FORK YOU UGLY FAT BITCH! I'm so frustrated right now, I'm so happy to see that this site is still open though (and my account still works), I've missed you girls so much, please help me through this, don't think I'm a failure.

P.S. My weight...134lbs!

Mood: crushed

Disapointing results.

May. 9th, 2007 at 3:57 AM

I hate periods! I have only lost a lb since my last weigh in and I have a big feeling it is because I am bloated and fugly due to my period! Suck. When it is done, I better be a hell-a-lot skinnier!
Went to the doctor today (which is how I know I am 127lbs) and my neck is all swollen (like where my left lymph node is) and it is visibly swollen and feels SO tender and hard! I can't even move my head without feeling pain. Good news is, I can't move my jaw either...so forced liquid fast for me :) Maybe by the time I am feeling better I will be out of the damn 120's! Teens are in my near future.

Just can't

May. 5th, 2007 at 8:55 AM

I pulled out my scale today...I must have walked up to it and then back away about 20 times! Literally. I just couldn't bring myself to get on. My stomach is flatter again today (in my eyes), only the scale can tell me the truth, but I still do not want to get on. I won't. I'm going to resist as long as possible, so then when I finally do, the loss will look that much more dramatic. Silly, I know, but it makes sense in my head.
I am drinking twice as much water now and refusing twice as much food. I love the feeling of being able to refuse anything and everything that comes near my mouth. This fat is going to die, war is on!

Unbeatable Motivation

May. 2nd, 2007 at 4:30 PM

So, usually I loose my motivation very quickly, even while shedding the lbs. But this time something is different. I think I am just at wits end, sick and tired of hoping and dreaming and waiting to be stick thin, that I am finally just not putting up with fat anymore! I'm knocking out two birds with one stone as well, my dogs are stuck inside all day as I am working crazy hours, so since I need to run (and mostly only have time at night) I take one dog at a time and it keeps me safe (I hope) and also keeps my dogs from going stir crazy inside all day! Good eh? I am not going to weigh myself until Friday, I don't want to have a plateau day and get discouraged.

Mood: apathetic

Another one bites the dust

May. 2nd, 2007 at 2:52 AM

I am down another pound, 128lbs today. I know you ladies all probably agree with me when I say that I am on the biggest high right now feeling the pounds melt away. And yes, you can literally feel it, your body is shaky and light and wonderful. Def far from perfect, but at least on the right track. Oh how I have missed this.

Mood:Motivated!

Down 4

May. 1st, 2007 at 1:14 AM

I have lost 4lbs :) I am now at 129, not good but better. My hate for men has really been fueling my motivation to drop all this cellulite. If they can't love me fat, at least I will become skinny and be unloved and pretty.

Mood: envious

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